Mikes Burger Journey

It all started when our overrated adventurer, Mikennemonic, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly pleased, Mikennemonic hit a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he realized that his beloved burger was missing! Immediately he called his overtly elitist, rich friend, Cocaine. Mikennemonic had known Cocaine for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were curious ones. Cocaine was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... pestering. Mikennemonic called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Cocaine picked up to a very nervous Mikennemonic. Cocaine calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys shudder before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually charismatically belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Mikennemonic. Why was Cocaine trying to distract Mikennemonic? Because he had snuck out from Mikennemonic's with the burger only ten days prior. It was a curious little burger... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Mikennemonic got back to the subject at hand: his burger. Cocaine yawned. Relunctantly, Cocaine invited him over, assuring him they'd find the burger. Mikennemonic grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Cocaine realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the burger and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Mikennemonic took the deliciously practical 4-door, he had take at least five minutes before Mikennemonic would get there. But if he took the Truck? Then Cocaine would be alarmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Cocaine was interrupted by ten annoying Yukkuris that were lured by his burger. Cocaine yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he randomly reached for his gerbil and fearlessly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Truck rolling up. It was Mikennemonic.

o0o

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Mikennemonic was out of the Truck and went earnestly jaunting toward Cocaine's front door. Meanwhile inside,  Cocaine was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the burger into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind his canoe. Cocaine was worried but at least the burger was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Cocaine sassily purred. With a skillful push, Mikennemonic opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying genocidal maniac in a amphibious vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Cocaine assured him. Mikennemonic took a seat alarmingly close to where Cocaine had hidden the burger. Cocaine belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Mikennemonic was distracted. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Cocaine noticed a clueless look on Mikennemonic's face. Mikennemonic slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Cocaine felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Mikennemonic asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the burger right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!'  A lie. A clueless look started to form on Mikennemonic's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Mikennemonic nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Cocaine could react, Mikennemonic aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The burger was plainly in view.

Mikennemonic stared at Cocaine for what what must've been two seconds. A few unfulfilled decades later, Cocaine groped wildly in Mikennemonic's direction, clearly desperate. Mikennemonic grabbed the burger and bolted for the door. It was locked. Cocaine let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Mikennemonic,' he rebuked. Cocaine always had been a little selfish, so Mikennemonic knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Cocaine did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his burger tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Cocaine looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Mikennemonic. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Mikennemonic. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Cocaine walked over to the window and looked down. Mikennemonic was gone.

o0o

Just yonder, Mikennemonic was struggling to make his way through the magical cornfield behind Cocaine's place. Mikennemonic had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Yukkuris suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the burger. One by one they latched on to Mikennemonic. Already weakened from his injury, Mikennemonic yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Yukkuris running off with his burger.

About two hours later, Mikennemonic awoke, his ear throbbing. It was dark and Mikennemonic did not know where he was. Deep in the inhospitable haunted thicket, Mikennemonic was alarmingly lost. Absolutely thrilled, he remembered that his burger was taken by the Yukkuris. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen Yukkuri emerged from the bush. It was the alpha Yukkuri. Mikennemonic opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Yukkuri sunk its teeth into Mikennemonic's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Mikennemonic's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than five miles away, Cocaine was entombed by anguish over the loss of the burger. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened carrot. With a quick thrust, he buried it deeply into his taint. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Mikennemonic... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the burger that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Yukkuris, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

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